The Lancer: Before we begin today’s lesson, I have to say welcome back to Patrick, who has been in the hospital for the past 2 weeks after I shot him in the head.
Patrick: I’m not very happy about that.
Daniel: How are you alive? You got shot in the face.
The Lancer: I designed this special type of bullet that appears to kill someone, but doesn’t. It just knocks you the fuck out.
Fredrick: How does that even work?
The Lancer: I could tell you, but then I’d have to kill you.
Fredrick: Why?
The Lancer: Because I fucking said so! And it’s a secret. I’ve never told anybody. Not even my best friend, who I haven’t seen in a long time.
Grace: What’s today’s lesson on?
The Lancer: Right. Today, I’m going to be teaching you how to not be an idiot, because being an idiot is a good way to die. I have 4 steps about this. Ready to learn? Here we go.
Step 1: Stay away from fire[]
The Lancer: Fire is my biggest fear in the world. Every time I come into close proximity with fire, it gives me PTSD, because... negative past experiences. If you make any physical contact with fire, then you are dead. It burns like hell, and will make your skin look weird. Trust me, I know. Also, beware of oil if there’s fire around. Fire and oil make for a nasty combination. Any questions?
Daniel: Why are you scared of fire?
The Lancer: I don’t want to talk about it.
Patrick: Why not?
The Lancer: Do you want me to have a panic attack?
Patrick: Maybe...
The Lancer: Fuck you. Let’s move on.
Step 2: Be careful around water[]
The Lancer: Water is the exact opposite of fire, but it can also kill you if you’re not careful. If you don’t know how to swim, or are carrying a lot of shit, you can find yourself unable to swim, and can easily drown. I’ve heard that drowning is one of the worst ways to go. Any questions?
Daniel: Have you ever known anyone who drowned?
(The Lancer doesn’t respond, and instead starts hyperventilating. He leaves the room.)
Fredrick: What was that about it?
Grace: I don’t think you should have asked him that.
Daniel: Yeah, I can see that now.
Patrick: He appears to be suffering from PTSD.
Grace: He has probably experienced something traumatic in the past.
Daniel: Do you know something that we don’t? Did he tell you something when you two were alone together?
Patrick: Wait, what?
Fredrick: Don’t worry about it, Pat.
(Before the conversation could continue, The Lancer re-enters the room. He appears to be calm now.)
The Lancer: Sorry about that. I don’t know what happened there. Let’s move on to something else now, shall we?
Step 3: Be aware of your surroundings[]
The Lancer: If you’re in a dangerous place you have to always be aware of your surroundings. You can’t let anything sneak up on you. If you let your guard down for even a second, you can die very quickly. I’ve been in this world for 28 years, and I can safely say that I’m lucky to be alive.
Patrick: You’re only 28?
The Lancer: That’s right. Why?
Patrick: How do you know so much shit if you’re that young?
The Lancer: Patrick, I am the expert here. You four are nothing but un-blooded teenagers. I am a blooded warrior. Please don’t question me.
Patrick: What do you mean by “un-blooded”?
The Lancer: It means you haven’t killed anything. Go out and bring me a dead animal or something like that, and I’ll call you a “young blood”.
Patrick: Got it.
The Lancer: Let’s move on. One more thing to talk about.
Step 4: Bring plenty of supplies[]
The Lancer: There are very few things that are worse than being in a sticky situation and then realizing that you are ill equipped to deal with the situation. Always plan for anything that you might encounter, and bring the proper tools to get the job done. Any questions?
Daniel: Have you ever forgotten to bring something important when on a mission?
The Lancer: Several times. I eventually got better about it, though. The last time that it happened was when I was 18.
Fredrick: Can I ask you an unrelated question?
The Lancer: Sure.
Fredrick: What’s your name?
The Lancer: Nathaniel Blackheart Sakharine.
Fredrick: Did you just make that up?
The Lancer: No. That’s my actual name.
Daniel: I believe him.
The Lancer: But anyway. Class dismissed. Have a good day, everyone.